destroyed love

When some one you love doesn't treat you the way they should, it feels like their actions are like a blanket suffocating your heart. Slowly your hearts stops beating for them and the love dies out.

worth thinkign about...

have to agree with the over analysing part and trying to find your soulmate



picture obtained from
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the best part about it is...

the best part bout being inlove is knowing that he's thinkinga bout you, i love love and love being loved.

i love cuddling.

picture obtained from
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walls

It's more like this

Feel kinda bad for saying that i lost my innocents in the last post, it's more like I've gained something more.
It's not like I've become this don't care person, think it's cause I've finally learn't not to worry bout anything and pray bout everything. I've learn't that God is more powerful than I am, he created life, so I give all my problems to him and after I've done that as psalm 91 says "i find rest in the shadow of the almighty" cause once I've given him my caress I don't think bout em again cause I know and trust that he'll take care of them.

Empty

Woke up today feeling so dead inside. Feel like nothing matters,like whats the point of feeling something towards anything when everything just doesn't last.
Ok that sounded so rhymy, i didnt mean for it to sound like that.
Im like a zombie walking around and just doing what I have to do just please my fam, chances are if they didn't care I probably wouldn't bother.
I've lost all the fascination I used to have for certain things cause they get easily blown away by the slightest storm.
It's like I've lost my innocents, what I now know has turned me into who I am now... So do I wish I could go back to the person I was, not at all, odly enough with this new state Im in I've gained peace, this numbness in my soul allows me to go through turmoil and not be moved by it. Thats just the way it is.

what the heck?

Could i have been lying to myself...i just wana get away for a while,maybe 6 months, need a new start in a new town and just live for me and not anyone else... if i knew or was close to my family in malawi id go to them and live with them for a while,but i dont so im stuck here.

Im no expert.

I'm no expert on relationships...gosh my past is a testimony to that. So when i got into this one,roughly three months ago, I was like, you know what Thokozani, you can be everything to a man and do everything in a relationship to make it work but when the curtains close and the lights are out, it's over and you can't do anything to change it. Yea in the past I made sure that I was the best girlfriend I could be, but where did that get me? Cause when that man don't want you no more, you can't do nothing bout it but leave with grace.
So when I got into this relationship I told myself that at the end of it all, whether the end be 70 years from now or 24 hours from now, I wana look back and be like I was not the best girlfriend ever but I was the best me I could be and I had a great time doing it.
I wana look back and be like, wow i had such a good time.
You can't go wrong with being true to yourself,so if respecting him is apart of being a great girlfriend, well then good for him cause thats just how I am naturally.

broody

I am so broody right now...when I see a baby or any kid, my heart just melts.
Dont get me wrong I understand that its alot of work and trust me I want to bring a kid into this world when I've planned for him or her and within a family environment. Aw but kids are just so adorable.


picture courtesy of : superstock.com

I'm that rose.

Been through it all heard it all and fought it all. Here I stand my faith not waivering, I am that rose that grew from the conercte .

I love this poem and song by 2 pac cause it's bout every women. When I read it, it reminds me of my friends, their moms,me and the strongest and most selfless women I know, my gran.


The rose that grew from the conrete by Tupac Shakur:


You try to plant somethin in the conrete, y'knowhatImean?


If it GROW, and the and the rose petal got all kind of


scratches and marks, you not gon' say, "Damn, look at


all the scratches and marks on the rose that grew from concrete"


You gon' be like, "Damn! A rose grew from the concrete?!"


Same thing with me, y'knahmean? I grew out of all of this


Instead of sayin, "Damn, he did this, he did this,"


just be like, "DAMN! He grew out of that? He came out of that?"


That's what they should see, y'knowhatImean?


All the trouble to survive and make good out of the dirty, nasty


y'knowhahatImean unbelievable lifestyle they gave me


I'm just tryin to make somethin..






[Nikki Giovanni]


When no one even cared


The rose it grew from concrete


Keepin all these dreams


Provin nature's laws wrong


It learned how to walk without havin feet


It came from concrete






[spoken part]


Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?


Provin nature's laws wrong it learned how to walk without havin feet


Funny it seems but, by keepin its dreams


it, learned to breathe FRESH air


Long live the rose that grew from concrete


when no one else even cared


No one else even cared..


The rose that grew from concrete






[spoken part]


Did you hear..


Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?


Provin nature's laws wrong


It learned to walk without having feet


Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams


it learned to breathe FRESH air


Long live the rose that grew from concrete


when no one else, even cared






[Nikki Giovanni]


Keepin all these dreams


Provin nature's laws wrong


It learned how to walk without havin feet (to breathe the fresh air)


It came from concrete (to breathe the fresh air)


(to breathe the fresh air, to breathe the fresh air)






[Tupac Shakur]


You see you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from the concrete


had damaged petals. On the contrary, we would all celebrate its


tenacity. We would all love it's will to reach the sun.


Well, we are the rose - this is the concrete - and these are


my damaged petals. Don't ask me why, thank God nigga, ask me how!


Hahahaha..
 
 
 

Can I take some time out.

 I wish i could just leave everything and go to some island and work as a waitress. Stay there for the whole year. Work during  the day and party hard and night. I wan to meet people who are real,uncompetitive and  authentic.I just want to get away from the pressures and expectations of my family and live my life the way I want.

"smile though your heart is aching"

Think today for some reason or the other I've decided to not sweat the small stuff. I've heard this so many times, but today I made a decision to really live by this motto. The song "smile" really embodies the message of being shaken but not stirred,lol.But I do think this song has lived on because each generation has realised the importance of not allowing life's obstacles take away one's inner joy and peace.
"Smile" was written in 1936 by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons, the music was by Charlie Chaplin. Here are the lyris:

Smile though your heart is aching
smile even though it's breaking
when there are clouds in the sky,you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
smile and maybe tomorrow,
you'll see the sun come shinning through for you.
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness
although a tear maybe ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying,smile whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,if you just smile.

Why are things never like how they're supposed to be?

Don't you ever wish that things could be like how they're supposed to be. For example, you meet a guy and you like him, but he doesn't like you, isn't he supposed to like you back... Or all married couples are supposed to have a relationship like Will and Jada Smith. It's heartbreaking when you go into something and it's totally not what it's supposed to be or what you expected it to be.
So where do our expectations come from, cause it's not like life has a script of how every moment is gona play out. I believe that we're actually trying to relive a romance film or some rnb song, then when he doesnt return our love like how the song said he would,we then believe that we've failed.

We need to all get in touch with reality and stop trying to live out a disney fairy tale or a song written by someone who's never fallen in love.Everyone is going to have a different story in life, own your story and be proud of it.

live and laugh

Never give up.

You may have experienced ups and downs or have been hurt, but never give up on love.

Thats all there is to it.

I can't change the fact that life can be unfair, I can't change the way people are that they're good at concentrating at other peoples mistakes instead of theirs. However The only thing that I can change is the way I react, never playing the victim, never walking away and always fighting back the best way I know how... Where are prayer warriors at? For this battle is not ours but Gods.

womaning up

Dont know how to define womaning up, but its just something I feel like I gota do.

The fake truth.

I often meet people who seem to be so perfect, then they do something or you find something out about them. It just makes you realise that perfection is an illusion. It's like the people that seem to be perfect are just really good at faking perfection.

Why I find it hard to let people in.

There was a point in my life where I'd feel so alone & empty when I was single. I hated it so much. However things have changed, I'm so scared to let people in cause I'm so scared that they're gonna take away my peace. I'm really enjoying being me. I dont know how I got to this state of constant joy and peace. Maybe it's my attitude of being grateful for the simple things or it could be that I've learnt not to compare myself but to celebrate my individuality, I have no idea what it is but I know that it's all the works of Jesus Christ. I've experienced so much fear,worry and anxiety in my life time that being here and feeling so safe and at peace seems like a dream.

After some much thought and consideration, I finally let someone into my life. I feel like I have something to learn from them, the way they are and how they live their life is something that could expand me in a way which I can't explain. Im open to just enjoying the ride and seeing where it'll take me.
No worrying or stressing.

And then what?

People will always be saying mean things bout people behind their backs, its human nature. Either we grow a thick skin, stay strong against their malicious lies or we let our emotions become victims of other peoples lack of maturity. It's hard to stand firm as people throw mud in your face, but thats the only option we all have.

Twists and turns.

Today I've decided to do nothing cause I have a cold, so I'm gonna nurse myself, gosh I hate being sick...so I'm at home, and being at home alone you have nothing but your thoughts.I'm really just praying that what God has put me in doesn't result in me being dissapointed. The thing is I know God wants the best for me and when this came into my life, he knows as well as I do that I wouldn't have said no, I would seize the opportunity. The timing seemed so right and everything else was all clear. Now certain things are coming up, things that make me wonder if history is about to repeat itself. I can only trust that God has my back and that the truth, whatever it is, will be to my favour and will make my life as bright as it is right now.

Desperation

Im sure all of us have heard this question "Why is it that when I'm single it seems as if no guy or girl wants me but when I'm in a relationship,they're all over me."
Yes that is the old age question which has confused minds for centuries.

I have my own personal theory which answers this question and it's based on my own experiences and observations.

My theory stems from human nature. As humans we reflect our emotions through our body language.
For example when a person is scared their body will show this emotion through the person folding their hands and always looking away or at the floor, when a person is nervous they might bite their nails. The body has many ways of reflecting the internal emotions it's feeling.

When a person is single they become lonelly and as a result they end up being desperate to find someone to end the horrible feeling of loneliness. They desperately seek a partner to end their loneliness.
What they dont realise is that when they go out looking for a partner they might reflect their desperation in the process.
It's like how many animals can tell when a person is scared, the same goes for desperation, it reeks like a dead cat.

You might not realise it but your body is totally giving you away. Maybe it could be the way your eyes are constantly darting around the room, checking for the available men. It could be the way you've decided to dress, in your attempt to draw attention from the opposite sex you've ended up leaving no room for the imagination. This all spells out DESPERATION.

Yes
Desperation shows itself up in many ways and you might not say you're desperate but your body is telling a different story.

No one wants to date a desperate person cause when you're desperate you're indirectly saying that your life is so bad you urgently need someone to save you from your misery.

So you might be wondering how to kill desperation.
If you're a christian, you may seek God cause he does say that we shouldnt worry bout the things of the world, we must seek him and he'll in turn take care of our needs (Matthew 6:25-34).
Also try not be focused on your singleness, don't see it as a time to get a man or lady, use it as a time to focus on you. See it as an opportunity to get to know youself, love yourself and take care of yourself. When you're focused on yourself, you wont look desperate cause you're not constantly on the look out for a man but your focus is simply on you.

I feel as if I allowed every ounce of life to be sucked out of my soul. It was as if my body was lying in the middle of a dry kalahari sand dune, and my aspirations kept taunting me like a mirage in the distance...

Thats how cripling a life lived with no passion is. It's a self inflicted pain that leaves one emotionally bankrupt. It leaves one hollow & dry, with no future to look forward to as its the same boring thing every day.

It doesn't last forever. A time comes for everyone to reclaim their voice. A voice that is strength and it's that strength which allows one to be strong enough to rise up and fly.

Justifying evil

We're living in times where evil is rising up in all corners of the globe.Whats caught my attention is that whenever these perpetrators are interviewed after killing innocent lives they have a peace and calmness about them.
They actually look like they've accomplished something greater than themselves. Whats even more disturbing is that some of these terrorist,racists and xenophobics believe that their cruel actions are for the protection of their religion or country.


This is called deceiption,people are believing lies and innocent lives are used as a medium to accomplish these lies.

Al qaeda congratulated the Islamic terrorist group of Somalia for bombing 76 innocent lives. Children will now be drawn into allsorts of social ills while trying to fend for themselves because the breadwinners of their households have now been bombed beyond recognition. How do you justify such evil?

Deceit is alive and powerful,its gone beyond the boundaries of cults, it's now living in the realms of religion and it's removing lives as if they are of no value to anyone.

My second fixation

My fixation-Afro hair..Yes, I find Afro hair really beautiful. From the way it grows, refusing to fall down to the texture of every curled up lock. Natural African hair is unique, matchless and absoutely stunning in my eyes.

Gratitude

A couple of months ago I met a lady at work who was in her late twenties. She was beautiful; married to a great man and shared an adorable baby boy with him.

I personally felt that she was very blessed. However she on the other hand did not see this. Her heart was not at rest, constantly she’d be trying to get what I have, always saying she wishes she had had the opportunities I had, if she could go back in time she’d try and make the choices that I had made.

It got really irritating because I felt like she had a lot to be grateful for, there are starving people in this world and she’s got a job and husband that takes care of her. So many children are born with autism and other illnesses, she could be grateful that she has a baby that’s healthy and many couples are struggling to just have a baby. However she was constantly looking at what I have. It got annoying cause it’s not like I’m this rich person born into millions, I’ve also had my fare share of struggles in life, I’ve also made some bad choices along the way. The thing is I just don’t see the need to advertise the bad decisions I’ve made or the low times I’ve been through because if I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t know what I now know about life, I’m still alive and it’s all made me a stronger person. Plus it’s nothing compared to what other people have had to face in this world. I know that there is always someone going through something worse.

If you’re always looking at people’s lives, what they have, what you have to get because they have it. Trust me on this; you’ll always be unhappy. Rather concentrate on what you have, the little and big things that God has given you. The fact that you have a bed is something that you should be grateful for, if you have all your limbs, that’s also something to be grateful for. When you focus on what you have rather then what others have, you’ll live a life filled with an abundance of joy.

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Shattered dreams

Have you ever tried something new and you had faith that this was what God wanted you to do with your life?




Maybe you started your own business, or maybe left a job in order to pursue a living using your God given artistic talent.



You took so many risks only to be met by many obstacles. You then began to wonder if you made the right decision.



I know of many people, who went through this, they pursued a dream they had long suppressed... they then reached a dead end, they began to question God and themselves, people began to discourage them in the decision they’d made.



I’ve seen so many people leave a job because the money “aint good” They then moved to a new company or change careers only to be met by a set of new obstacles. They then went back to their previous job or career.



If your motivation for changing your profession is money, trust me, chances are you’ll be changing jobs for the rest of your life.



However pursuing your passion will allow you to carry on your journey even when the storms draw close. You’ll work hard, not because you’re required to, but you’ll do so as you love what you doing. As a result you will be successful because your love, devotion and passion will be evident in the work you produce.



So never give in to temporary obstacles, nothing lasts forever. They’ll be gone tomorrow. Keeping on going, because when you get there it won’t matter how long you took. All that will matter is that you’re there.

Vintage song for May

“Never forget you” by Mariah Carey is the vintage song for May.

Isn’t it crazy how a song can change one’s mood? That’s what this song did to me. When I experienced my very first heart break as a teenager, this is the song I absolutely detested. Reason being is that whenever it used to start playing, in an instant, all the emotions that I’d been trying to bury would all come flooding into my heart again .Hurt, pain and betrayal. But now that I’m a bit older and have control over my emotions, I absolutely love this song.



“ Never forget you” by Mariah Carey

I won't see your smile, And I won't hear you Laugh anymore, Every night I won't see you
Walk through that door 'Cause time wasn't on Your side ,It isn't right , I can't say I love you It's too late to
Tell you But I really need You to know


No, I'll never forget you
I'll never let you out of my heart
You will always be here with me
I'll hold on to the memories baby


Baby can you hear me, Wherever you May be tonight ,Are you near me I need you to be by My side
Cause I never said Goodbye ,It isn't right ,I should have said I love you
Why didn't I just Tell you ,God knows I need You to know


No, I'll never forget you
I'll never let you out of my heart
You will always be here with me
I'll hold on to the memories baby


Somewhere I know you'll be
With me
Someday in another time
But right now you're gone
You just vanished away
But I'll never leave
You behind

No, I'll never forget you
I'll never let you out of my heart
You will always be here with me
I'll hold on to the memories baby

Breathing Love

When you're in love with some one you  want to be with them every waking moment. However in order for love to grow and flourish, it needs space to breath by itself.

Give the one you love the space to allow them to breath and grow without you by their side. We want to be with them to help them in life, however this disables them and they end up not being able to do things on their own.

Step away, just for a while, get to know yourself, who you are without them. By doing this you're
Giving them time to hear their own air fill up their lungs...give them space to breath.

Vintage Song for February is "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson

Have you ever had a song touch you so much that you want to meet the person who wrote it?

Cause you just wana know, what inspired them to write such an amazing song.Thats what "Human nature" by M.J does to me. The beats to this song are electrifying and the lyrics are poetic. It's definetly my favourite song by M.J

"HUMAN NATURE" by Michael Jackson

Looking out across the night-time

The city winks a sleepless eye
Hear her voice shake my window
Sweet seducing sighs
Get me out into the night-time
Four walls won't hold me tonight
If this town is just an apple
Then let me take a bite


If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
Reaching out to touch a stranger
Electric eyes are everywhere
See that girl, she knows I'm watching
She likes the way I stare


If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
I like livin' this way, I like lovin' this way

Looking out across the morning
The city's heart begins to beat
Reaching out, I touch her shoulder
I'm dreaming of the street


If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Cha cha cha
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say why, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?


If they say, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Da da da
Why, why does he do me that way?
I like livin' this way

Im done!

I done with dating for this year. 2010 is the year for me to be single. I'm done with comprimising, that is accepting a guy with his flaws and all, its either he's what I'm looking for or he's not,there is no grey area.I will NEVER EVER settle for less then my personal best,never say never? well I'm saying it. I'm done with listening to my friends advice, I'd rather make a decision and blame myself then blaming them for taking their wrong advice. I'm done with being the one who puts the necessary effort in love,friendship or in any type of relationship. I'm done with accepting mediocrity from myself and the world. I'm done with having to be something I'm not just to make others comfortable. I'm done with mxit and facebook cause I'm so tired of having to chat to people I don't even like and on that note I'm done with toxic friendships aka frienemies aka people who make one feel like shit,infact anyone who's toxic-friends & men, I'm done with that eish!

Day dreams of a Durbanite.

Just changed my blog name to day dreams of a Durbanite. Think thats such a better name than TKO. Its more interesting and i got a great picture to go with it ;) I don't believe in blasting my dreams to everyone, remember what happend to Joseph in the 1st testament,hmmm,just cos of a dream the poor guy was sold into Egypt. So Its still gona be on the same tip,posts on my life and thoughts.I'm hoping more interesting events happen in this life of mine. So till then keep safe.

How could I forget new years?

Its already the 16th of January and I absolutely forgot to write about what happened on new years day. Well my new years eve was crazy,fun and ok I cant find the third word to describe it. Maybe I could say it was a dream come true,yea maybe. Ok let me fill you in on the shananagens that happened. Ok on the 31st of December a friend came to pick me up for lunch at like 1pm. When I came back from lunch I went to where my friends were staying with uaunty wakhe. The plan was to go to Florida then a house party with my friends collegues. We get to florida rd and its empty and raining,shocker. To top the empitness, the clubs were charging a ridiculous price to get in. So then we ended up at the 5fm new years eve bash. which was insanely awesome. Than at like 5am we went to the beach. Oh yes, it was a great night.

Invictus

I watched the movie Invictus two days ago, it's based on the theme of forgiveness and an event that occured in South Africa.I'm a South African and forgiveness has been a theme which has dominated my blog,thats why I've decided to include it in my blog. My dream is for South Africans to unify in building our country into a country which has high morals,wealth and  freedom.