Kinda tired.

Im so tired of dating now. I feel like I've been dating the same type of guy just a different face all this time. I've never actually thought of how they're similair.Probaby that they all lie and make empty promises. Oh jah and they all think they're not the same as other guys. Whatever really cos they're just the same,and the denial makes them worse. I just can't take it anymore,Im so drained and tired. I've never felt so happy being single. Its like being single allows me to be free,from all the lies and empty promises. Nways da zulu name for boys bafana, kinda means the same. So all i gota say is abafana bayafana.

My anger towards Adults.

Old people or adults get to me sometimes. Well some adults that is. They're soooo judgemental, they act as if they came into this world with mature minds and never went through the phase that comes with being a young adult. They act as if they've never made mistakes in their whole lives and were perfect from birth. Watsup with that? We're not given a book of recipes on how to do this thing called life. We do what we think is right and sometimes we find out in the end that it aint right after all, and thats called A LESSON LEARNT. Instead of judging they can seek to understand and support. There's this thing where African parents dont want their children to move out when they start earning money. They go,oh we didnt live in flats when we started to earn a salary. Oh my goodness,and you wonder why so many men are vegetables that are still dependant on their parents. You dont bring up a child and teach them the ways of life only to hold onto them again,they've been taught now they need to implement what they've learnt into their own lives.How can they start a family and take care of children if they cant take care of themsleves first. They can only learn to take care of themselves once they've left home and arent under their parents care. A bird teaches its new born how to fly and once they know how to fly they LEAVE their mothers nest. Hope I'm less judgemental once I'm a fully grown adult.

Childhood obsessions

These are a few things that I loved in my childhood. I LOVED the Phat koe show. I was crazy about Tkzee. I was totally obssesed with Sclub 7. That was me in my chilhood and pre teen years.

My birthday

The 15th of September 1986 is when my life began. Thanks to all my mates for remembering this day. Hope God continues to guide me and bless me with many more years on this Earth.

When I think.

I think of God,i feel his grace,greatness and power. I think of Jesus,I know that he is love. I think of laughter, I miss my friends. I think of my gran, i see selflessness. I think of Nelson Mandela, i love forgiveness. I think of South Africa, i hear joyful songs. I think of partying around the globe, i study. I think of love, I dream of my soulmate.I think of me and I think of how much I want his promises to manifest in my life.

The reason why I started blogging.

I decided to start blogging because I wanted to be honest with MYSELF and I thought that by writing my feelings down I could also see whats swimming in my heart. This is because I tend to ignore that nagging feeling and when it's in writting through my blog I have no other option but to face it.Be more HONEST! I Just DON'T want to sugarcoat things. I want to be real with everything. You're probably asking where is this coming from. Well it's just that I've seen it,in drastic forms and the everyday situation where its like we've lost touch with reality and we think we're bout to break into song after a tragedy like they do in a disney movie. For example Thabo Mbeki saying there's no crisis in Zimbabwe and the HIV thing. Also just seeing how us as young woman can stay with a man and continually lie to ourselves about him lying to us. Like I've done that, my friends have done it,most women do it and it aint pretty. I think also, what hit me was when I heard the lady who wrote beautys gift say something on the lines of we lie to ourselves and tell our friends "oh he bought me this and that for my birthday,when he actualy forgot your birthday and it's the lies which end up killing us" Honestly it's sad. It's not only with men but we also lie to ourselves and stay with toxic friends. Sometimes I think we try to hard to be positive that we end up living a lie. Obviously you gota be positive but within the frames of reality.I wana be more in tuned with my intuition.Its about me and the relationship I have with myself. So I hope that through expressing myself in my blogg, Il be able to face the truth in my feelings.

Yyyeeesss!

Before i wrote the post "time for introspection" i thought peoples values, what they want etc was overlapping with my values or lack thereof(hehehe) and I thought thats why I needed to take time off. However while I was writing the post I realised It aint it. My fear needs to be replaced with faith in God! You gotta love blogging! Live and love, life's toooo short to find its meaning! Mwaaaah!

Time for introspection.

I feel like I need to stop,breath and review my thoughts clearly. Im not a deep person and I never thought I'd say the old cliche statement of... I need to find myself. I was so anti "those kind of deep statements" cause i used to think people who say that just wana sound profound and sound like they're on a philosophy intelect kinda of tip,I was so wrong. Its like this; I know who I am, I know what I want, I know where I wana head to. However people, media and life's obstacles are pushing against it all. Obviously not intentionaly.For example a mate of mine will make a statement, ok Il make an arbitary random example. Theyl say oh green socks made my moms feet lumpy,and then,even though I've been dreaming of buying green socks, my mind will then debate against itself of whether I should or shouldnt buy green socks and who knows maybe her mums feet got infected before she wore the green socks. I need to review and recheck myself, that Im still consistent and havnt allowed temporary situations change anything,in terms of who I am,my core values and beliefs and where I wana head to next. Think Il cut myself of from a few things that distract me, just to get things into clarity and make sure they're not being blurred. There's nothing wrong with change and certain things happen for change to alter our steps when we've taken a wrong path, and its always better to make a change sooner then later but in my case nothing has happened to me in particular which would result in change,like in the example I made,i hadnt worn the green socks yet, Id always wanted them but then my mate made a statement that caused me to fear what Id always wanted...Its the fear which I receive from my mates,random strangers and media.So its evident that I gota give fear... a TKO ;-)

The Inbox of my complexity.

Im a VERY complex individual. I dont do this on purpose but its the story of my life that has left a mosaic of detail in my personality. For example I have family in Malawi and the half of my family originates from eSwazini but i grew up as a zulu chic and I have friends from all over the globe. Im guessing thats where my complex personality stems from. Its just a guess cos I'm not an expert of character formation. However what really gets to me is when people try to box me. For example on that specific day they'l see me wearing something or doing something and all of a sudden...Ive been tagged. When they see me doing something else and wearing something of a different style to when we met then they'l give me this attitude of "you're not like that, you're like that,you're being fake now" Um um um, I think I know myself better than you do. Like I have chubby cheeks right, when people see me they tag me as innocent, and I heard from my mate that this one guy is always feeling sorry for me that guys are going to play me because I'm so not streetwise bout men. Ok I'm really not gona comment about if I am or not streetwise bout guys or not.However that was very sweet of him to sympathise,and he is a great guy. So thank you for thinking about me. But really people lets just get to know a person before we start spinning stories. Like I remember Tyra Banks saying that people were like her show is gona fail because they'd boxed her into being nothing else but a model.I think if you have a complex personality its hard to define yourself as of a specific character, so people just wana define you and place you in one box to make things easier. Its so frustrating sometimes cos its like they just wana force you into this one box and how dare you step out cos thats what they know you as now.Sigh sigh. For anyone who is suffering from being INBOXED dont allow people to define you,be the complexity you are and jump from one box to the other.